Two English sheep in a field.
One says to the other “I’m not feeling very well”

The other turns around and replies

“Shut-the-f*ck-up, or you’ll get us all killed”

Sent by paully

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old
next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come
over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong? He
replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T
error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned…. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

‘No,’ I replied. ‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it
out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard.

There once was a fellow named Trete
Who from birth was inclined to be neat.
He became extra fussy
When he thought his pants mussy,
And would throw them away in the street.

“If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulders of giants.”

– Isaac Newton

“If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants
were standing on my shoulders.”

– Hal Abelson

“In computer science, we stand on each other’s feet.”

– Brian Reid

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers”
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack – Drink the maalox
Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.

Wednesday

Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho’s
Lunch – Rolaids and a coke
Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps

Thursday

Breakfast – Order out for pizza
Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it’s better for you.
Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast – Sleep through it.
Lunch – Ditto
Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

According to a new study, Americans now spend 94% of their time indoors.
What do you expect from a culture that goes inside a gym to use a walking
machine?

A gallant young Frenchman named Grandhomme
Was attempting a girl on a tandem.
At the height of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well.

– Lazarus Long

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher
commented that the next day would be the shortest day
of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the
amount of daylight changes,not the actual amount of
time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.