“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.” — Irving Caesar

A patrician young fellow named Lear
Used to wash off his bollocks with beer.
Said he, “By the gods,
This is good for the cods—
It will lengthen my fucking career.

Young Kristin, the editor of our trivia publication, was having
trouble with her computer. So she called Wes, the computer guy,
over to her desk.
Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was
walking away Kristin called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
A puzzled expression ran riot over Kristin’s face. “An ID ten T
error?” What’s that in case I need to fix it again?”
He gave her a grin. “Haven’t you ever seen an ID ten T error before?”
“No.”
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So she pulled out a piece of paper and marked down, I-D-one-zero-T,
and stared at it for a second while Wes beat a hasty retreat.
Needless to say he gave Kristin’s desk a wide berth the rest of the day.

Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

“Trying” is the first step toward failure

– Homer Simpson

There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother
Who fell in another,
And now they’re interred side by side.

When my sister teased her four-year-old daughter by
suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten
class, the little girl was quite indignant.
“No mommy, I don’t,” she replied,
“because he’s only interested in one thing.”
Shocked, my sister cautiously asked what that might be.
“Power Rangers, of course,” said the toddler.

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously
awaiting news of their mother.
Paul emerges from his wife’s bedroom.
“Kid’s……there’s good news and bad news.”
“The bad news is your mother’s strength and will to
live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she
died a few moments ago”
“The good news is…. It’s steak and chips for dinner!”

Mind your own business, Spock.
I’m sick of your half breed interference.

There was a young man of the Tweed
Who sucked his wife’s arse thro’ a reed.
When she had diarrhoea
He’d let none come near,
For fear they should poach on his feed.